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She Says She's Got The Nodules

FAUST:
Carlotta...
She says she's got the nodules,
But not her...
She's had a threat from 'him'.
He told her...
That if she went on singing,
Her future,
Would be rather grim...

(Carlotta bursts in, crossing past Richard, wearing a turban and pulling on her wrap)

CARLOTTA:
(Spoken to Faust) And you keep your tubby torso out of this, you fat little faggot!

FAUST:
(Spoken, furious) What do you mean, little?
(Sings) I'm sick of all your prejudice...

CARLOTTA:
Then keep your big nose out of this!

FAUST:
You know what you can come and kiss...

CARLOTTA:
It would be difficult to miss!

(She turns and Richard drops on his knees before her. Faust leans on THE REST, a suffering man)

RICHARD:
Please diva, dear, on bended knee,
I've cancelled one show recently,
You really must go on for me,
Or I'll become a mockery!

CARLOTTA:
You want me on the stage?

RICHARD:
I do...

CARLOTTA:
Although my voice is dodgy?

RICHARD:
True.

CARLOTTA:
All right, I do it, just for you,
And you can do the singing, too!

(Carlotta exits)

RICHARD:
Me sing it?

THE REST:
That'll be the day!

RICHARD:
Though someone should...

THE REST:
Hip hip, hooray!

RICHARD:
But who, I wonder?

(Christine, cloaked and carrying her music case is being ushered past THE REST by Debienne. Richard sees Christine)

Miss Daaé!

(She turns to run but Richard grabs her)

No, no, no, no, don't run away!

CHRISTINE:
I'm sorry, sir, just passing through,
I've come to clear my dressing room...

RICHARD:
And what a silly thing to do,
How could we think of losing you?
Stand over there, keep still...

CHRISTINE:
Yes, sir.

RICHARD:
Keep very quiet...

CHRISTINE:
I will, yes, sir.

THE REST:
They're throwing things!

RICHARD:
Shut up!

THE REST:
Yes, sir.

RICHARD:
Now watch me make it up to her.

(He knocks on Carlotta's Dressing Room door)

Oh diva, dear...

CARLOTTA:
(Off-Stage) Drop dead!

RICHARD:
It's me.

CARLOTTA:
(Off-Stage) I do not leave this room...

FAUST:
Whoopee!

(A screaming Carlotta reappears, and makes towards Faust)

CARLOTTA:
Ah....!

(Faust scoots to hide behind THE REST. Carlotta turns to go back into her dressing room, but Richard blocks her way)

RICHARD:
I've got a plan which I submit,
You mime the scene and gesture it,
Miss Daae does the singing bit,
We'll...shove her in the pit!

CHRISTINE:
Oh, really, Mr. Richard -

RICHARD:
What?

CHRISTINE:
I -

RICHARD:
Want your job back?

CHRISTINE:
Like a shot.

RICHARD:
Then shut up while I butter up our diva!

DEBIENNE:
(To Christine) Get the plot?

(Richard turns back to Carlotta, all over her, speaking a language she understands)

RICHARD:
Your audience awaits,
Their favourite scene of yours...
So famous for "The Jewel Song"
Which always creates,
Tumultuous applause,
Because your acting is so strong.
She sings your famous aria,
They think it's you, et cetera,
Your public yell and shout huzza!
The biggest thing in opera!

(The music stops. THE REST lean in as Carlotta considers)

CARLOTTA:
(Spoken to Richard quietly) Well...she sings like a toad. But...
(Sings) If I sing Juliet in,
That new opera by Gounod...

(Faust steps forward, thinking he would be the obvious choice for the leading male role. Carlotta points at Faust)

And this decrepit cretin,
isn't Romeo...

RICHARD:
Do you know...
I think I might agree.

CARLOTTA:
It's a deal?

RICHARD:
Cross my heart.

CARLOTTA:
Then tell 'em all from me,
That I'm prepared to start!

(Stagehands and Lisette exit. THE REST form a line across the stage)

THE REST:
She is prepared to start,
She's quite prepared to start,
The star, the star's prepared to start!